I have been one heck of a mind trip the past few months, and as much as I’m sure it’s doing me some good, I am ready to get off the emotional roller coaster for a while. I recently binged all of GIRLS (on Crave TV) and had some really profound moments of connection with the characters. The series captured a lot of emotions, #moments, and is filled with characters that have come to define my early twenties (and now my late twenties). I was not expecting to connect with it so much, I mean, it’s a TV show, but goodness did it stir my emotional pot. I promise, everything in the title is relevant, so bear with me while I connect the dots for you.
We had watched the first two seasons of the series as it aired a few years ago, and this was back during our first posting to Gagetown. It was a weird time to watch it: I had just moved across the country to be with Dan, and I was officially off the hamster wheel that all my university friends (and the characters on the show) were still on. You know, the one where you depend on your parents for rent, cell phone bills, booze money, and your interminable trips to Europe. Hard pass y’all. Watching a part of my life replay on TV was surreal, and some of the similarities made me super uncomfortable (like with Black Mirror). After season 2 ended I just passed on it for a while.
After watching the show this spring though, I realized that what I need is female friendships with depth and backstory. I rely heavily on my friends to be my stand-in family because we are so far from ours. Not all of my friends want the same from me though, and managing those expectations is tricky. I find myself lonelier than ever, and I’m still not sure how to go about fixing that. Female friendships with substance take time, shared shenanigans, and a somewhat equal desire to be in each others’ lives. As people’s familial and geographic situations change, I find it harder to parse the ones worth investing my time in. I also probably don’t make it easy on others. I work 7 days a week (doing something I LOVE), but I am almost always working or thinking about it. I can be hard to connect with me in that sense, since no one around me is doing what I do. I try to address this by being more open when I’m available, but it’s overwhelming for some, and turns others off.
Flash forward to a month ago, and I’m sitting in the living room crying as I read Lena Dunham’s personal essay in Vogue about why she got a hysterectomy. I don’t have endometriosis, but I do have PCOS and we’re going on year two of infertility. I’m on a continuously rotating wave of hormones and emotions, I fucking hate all of it, and feel the loneliness of the situation even more because I have few friends, and even fewer who can relate.
My hormone and reproductive situation has been complicated since I hit puberty, so I always knew this stage of life would be complex, but that has always been a problem for Future Ariel to deal with. Well Bitch, the time is now.
During our 3 years in Quebec I never once got access to a health care professional for permanent care. I spent the entire time on a waitlist for a GP, and since I only ever saw walk-in clinic doctors for symptomatic ailments, no one saw the patterns (files aren’t kept the same way). This is a problem all military families face, but when the problems aren’t obvious, we get left behind. 6 months after moving to NB, things weren’t any better. In fact, they got worse. I finally broke down crying in the ER walk-in after a male doctor told me it was normal to not have my period for 6 months and not be pregnant. *Sidebar – That’s not how that works.
A doctor took pity on me after overhearing me say how I would drive up to 2hrs to see a doctor if it meant I could get into the system. Now I drive 45mins each way to go see a doctor in a small logging town north of Fredericton, where there’s a line-up of retirees waiting to get their diabetes tests each morning. The team there has been so nice and welcoming – I can’t thank my lucky stars enough for being able to see a doctor. Life as a military spouse places me in a very vulnerable series of situations, and healthcare is just one of them.
Flash forward to now. I have a doctor and an OBGYN. I also finally have a PCOS diagnosis. Last fall a technician told me bluntly that I had it, but then ushered me out of her office and back to the waiting room where I spent an hour googling it. When I got the real diagnosis this fall (a year later), I had a good long cry about it. My chances of having a kid are infinitely shittier, add to all of this the fact that I have a condition which causes blood clots.
When I finally cycled after taking the correct cocktail of hormones, I thought I was going f*cking crazy. I was overly emotional, felt unstable, and was not prepared to feel all the feels. Turns out one of the hormones I take can have this effect in a small percentage of patients, and I am that percentage. It’s easier to manage now that I know what to expect, but it is awful and always takes me by surprise.
Through all of this, Dan has been my rock. He tries his best to understand what I’m going through, and always listens to my insane ramblings. He has even come to a walk-ins with me (when he can) to wait 5hrs to deal with unfortunate complications from whatever I’m taking. He can’t always be with me because of work, but when he can, I am grateful for the company. Who else is going to judge the ringtones and shoe choices of people in the waiting room with me?
“life is so determined to display its full complexity right now,” and boy does that make things interesting.
I’m into year 2 of running my own business, and now have a work space with an overhead, and commitments. I’m growing, and hitting all my targets, but If I stop now I don’t think I could bounce back (or even continue to be self employed after the fact). And that terrifies me. One of the other vulnerabilities of military spouse life, is that I have no “guaranteed” job or career. It’s really hard to invest in a career, or even a particular industry, because I often find myself living near more livestock than Starbucks. I absolutely signed-up for this lifestyle, and I manage it like a champ, but complications really f*ck with my flow. At least we’re not facing city rent prices.
Part of my OBGYN’s recommendations is that we try every month. I hate that approach. I have no control, and can’t plan for anything conveniently. Her witty reply when I brought this up was “you know what’s financially inconvenient and hard to plan for? IVF” Point taken. The truth is, I’m not secure enough in my income yet, or at the point where I could responsibly plan for a child, let alone save for a maternity leave. While I’m sure I could make it work – and maybe even come out on top – I don’t want to just survive. I want to thrive. We would be 100% fine on just Dan’s income, but I could not lead the life I do now in a very basic way. No more crafting or DIYing. No more trips for business, no more eating out, no more purchases just to style the perfect photo. Just frugality and saving. GOD does that sound awful. I have worked too hard to go back to that.
Sure – we could just adopt and call it a day. I could get off the crazy train of emotions, do menopause, and plan for something. Aside from all the issues with THAT process as a military family, I don’t know if I want that for us just yet. To pull another quote from Lena’s essay “Adoption is a thrilling truth I’ll pursue with all my might. But I want[ed] that stomach. I want[ed] to know what nine months of complete togetherness could feel like.” So while we wait to cross that bridge (if we ever do) I continue with the pills that have given me chest hair (not kidding).
Many of my friends are pregnant. It seems that everyone is expecting, sharing pictures of their sonograms, embracing the experience, and planning for the future. With two years of this, I’ve grown bitter. With each happy announcement I think unkind things, and then eventually realize that their good news is not my bad news – even though it kinda is – and I embrace their happiness. I think about how exciting it will be to meet all these new people, watch them grow, and be in their lives in some way. And that’s when I start looking at what to get them on their registry.
To add one more layer of complication onto this, I don’t want a child 9 months from today. I don’t even want one 9 months from tomorrow. I want the option to have one on my own terms when I’m ready, but my PCOS means I can’t. Instead, we have to keep crossing-off items from a list of causes, and trying to find the solution. Very soon my remaining fertility will drastically decline and leave me with fewer options than the ones I have now. I feel shitty and petty for my jealousy when other people get pregnant, but fearful and anxious about the prospect of having my own 9 months from tomorrow. I’m being asked to chose between so few options, and it has started to feel like a series of choiceless decisions.
I blame a lot of my current situation on the precarious medical position I am in as a military spouse. Had I seen a doctor 5, or even 3 years ago, I could have planned better. But now, hurdling towards 30, there are fewer and fewer options on the table.
And so, I sit here: unloading my feelings, still technically infertile, and anxious about all the unknown.
*Spoiler Alert* when I watched Hannah’s pregnancy through Season 6 of the show, I felt all of the emotions. Emotions for Lena who herself will never get to experience what her character does. Emotions because Hannah (the character) made it work, albeit in a very real and complicated way. Emotions because she found herself in a somewhat similar friendship situation to the one I do now. Emotions because I feel guilty for not wanting one within the next 9 months, but mostly because I don’t know if I could, even if I tried. Emotions.
So hang tight with me folks. There may never be cute nursery content on this site, and there may never be adorable child decor. But I will always try to share my truth, and live my life to the fullest with Dan at my side.
I connect with so much you’re saying. The loneliness of working alone, the fear that just as work is getting good, it will decline, and the military wife dealing with shitty doctors.
Hubby was US military for 11 years. At first medical was so awful. The doctors made me cry every single visit and they ignored my problems and accused me of having STDs and cheating on my husband. Or that he was cheating on me and gave me stds. It was NEVER an std. Eventually medical got bought out by a company and the doctors must have learned how to talk to people. ALmost 20 years later, I have a “maybe it’s this” diagnosis and I’ve been feeling good. So fingers crossed.
I just want you to know that you’re not alone. You’ll get a baby in time. One of my good friends had a baby at 45 using IVF. It can happen. There’s time. <3
I can’t believe they had the gall to say that to you! accusations of infidelity? wtf?! from medical practitioners? Holy fuck. I was following your updates from a distance, and I’m so glad that armed with your potential diagnosis, that things finally start to make sense! <3
We have been in for 20 years (we are US military, but we did do a Canadian exchange tour) and I had forgotten all about it, but I had a military doctor also ask me if I had an STD! Uh, no. I have to say that I have been very lucky and have had some excellent medical care while my husband serves. But it hasn’t been without advocating for myself (and my children) and being persistent.
When we lived in Canada, I waited almost 2 years for an MRI. I did have a GP. I always wonder what would have happened to me if there was something really wrong?
Anyway, I appreciate you sharing your story. It’s brave. Sending positive thoughts from one military wife to another.
I believe self-advocating is our best tool, but sometimes it shouldn’t be this hard. I’ve got copies of all my medical files from each posting just incase too!
It’s crazy how long some things take eh?
And thank you! Hitting publish on that post was not easy.
Oh my friend. First, let me say I’m sorry. All of that stuff is hard, and sucks big time. My personal experience has led me to believe that we never really have control of our destinies. I have PCOS, and after being diagnosed at 23 and told I’d never get pregnant again without drugs and fertility treatments, I got pregnant with my son while using two forms of birth control. Ha – what do doctors know?! After that, I had to have my tubes tied because I am a ridiculously depressed mess if I go on birth control pills to “regulate my cycle”. Dude, I’d rather never bleed again than to lose my shit every month.
All of this led us, many years later, to adopt our girls. Adopting two little girls was Not originally the plan either, but it turned out that way, and eventually I adapted and adjusted to that too. They are great kids, the likes of which I am not worthy. I guess what I’m trying to say is this: things will happen, one way or another, and life will go on. I know at this point you are heartbroken, and my heart breaks for you too, but there will be a day when I board a plane, headed to your baby shower, or welcoming party for the child you adopt, and we will celebrate as no one has before. Side note: I wish you lived closer because I could use a kick ass friend like you in my every day life. Distance may stop that from happening, but I am so stinking glad that I met you and can call you my friend.
Sending all kinds of love to you ❤️❤️ Its a shame that our medical system lets it get this far – it’s not just those on military bases that struggle to find health care. i live 2.5 hours from my family doctor and have to go on a two and a half year waiting list in this area if I want to find. New doctor PLUS leave my doctors practice too.
Im glad they’re finally starting to listen to you, and that you’re now heading in the right direction! If you ever need an ear, I’m here!
It truly is. I feel ya so hard on that waitlist issue. When I finally got a doctor it had been 8 years since my last physical. That’s too long, and not my fault, but entirely my problem. Let’s hope you can find one too!
Big hugs! Boy girl, that took some guts to write! I’m so sorry you are going through this. Wish I had the words of support you need…..but know this-you’re one super fricken cool chickita and one day, one way or another, you are going to be the best Mom ever! Wether that’s in a biological or adoption, I know you will handle it like the champ you are! Wish we were closer cuz any girl would be lucky to have an awesome chick like you on the daily ????
You rock, friend <3 you're always there from a distance, and that's amazing <3 Oh I have no doubts about how awesome a bunch of parents we'll be, I just hope we're not too tired by the time we get there 😉
Beautifully written. thank you for sharing your story. xo
anytime <3
See this is why you need to live in Ottawa!!! I’m here for you if ever you need me and while I didn’t go through the infertility process myself, I know A LOT of people who have and who have gone on to have such adorable babies. Yes this isn’t always the case but you are young and believe me, there’s still time (I had mine at 38!) Don’t stress friend…you have an amazing head on your shoulders and goodness what a lovely mama you’ll make 🙂 Heads up, the hormonal train doesn’t stop after pregnancy, be forewarned LOL! Love you and thinking of you xoxoxoxo
ahaha because I need MORE hormones, Dan will love that 😉 We’ll be in Ottawa before you know it! Although we’re still a few years away right now. I just don’t want to be an “old” mom, but there’s tons of proof that it’s totally doable, and even easier!
You are a freaking rockstar, Ariel. i can’t relate to being a military spouse, but i’ve been in northern ontario for a few years now and have basically given up on finding a family doctor (and making new friends…). the feeling of losing control over one’s healthcare and life planning is real and terrifying, especially if you’re a person who likes order. i’m rooting for you!
It’s the worst isn’t it?! I don’t mind driving for hours if it means I get a doctor. I don’t now what I’d do without them. Friendship, healthcare and general happiness are truly things that take work once you no longer have the commonality of a day to day situation, and even then! Man, I want a refund on this whole adult thing hahaha
I’m so sorry for this. Thank you for sharing so openly. Whether you Birth a baby nine months from tomorrow, have one much later, go the adoption route, or take another path, I wish you the best. I know you can handle whatever life brings.
Thank you Cindy <3
Thank you for sharing all your thoughts, I can feel your emotion and the struggles you are going through. i know several couples who are going through this, and it is not easy! withing you all the best!
Thanks Jessica <3 means a lot!
Oh Ariel- I relate to so much of what you say here. Especially the part about wanting to have a choice or some control over the situation. I alwYs felt the same way. I don’t want to be pregnant today but I want to know that when I am ready it will be able to happen. I had a lot of doctors wanting to treat my symptoms rather than the cause. It wasn’t until I was done having kids that I could insist on this happening. I know every situation is different, but know that I have been in a very similar looking boat to yours. If you ever want to vent or ask questions or anything else I am just a DM away.
Some doctors are just after the pregnancy, and not treating the symptoms. It sucks. Presumable I’d still have all of these problems after a pregnancy, but no, they want me pregnant tomorrow because it’s easier. Ugh. I know you’ve been through something very similar, so I take your offer to chat to heart <3
This was so beautifully written. Absolutely raw, honest, relatable and not exactly your usual content, which made it infinitely more powerful. Although I don’t directly relate to your specific issues, I appreciate you bringing them to light. it’s far too easy to fight a silent battle in isolation, especially as a Military spouse. Thankfully, YOU have brought a wonderfully diverse group of people together through PMQ for 2 and we’re all here for you. Every paint color change, every cricut project,every military hardship, every personal frustration you welcome us into, every DIY gone wrong… we appreciate you’re open vulnerability.
Thank you so much Valerie <3 It's always a risk to share this kind of thing, but I know it resonates with some, and I think it helps humanize me. I'm glad you were "here" for it, and that you can empathize.
We are in the base gagetown area too, and as a childless, working woman I also find it difficult to make friends. There are many things I just can’t relate to with my peers that have kids, so I try to connect through common interests.
Same! I’m also super grateful for my online community. Do you ever feel left-out by all the family activities? Sure we can go, but it’s not the same.
Ariel –
thanks for your honest and heartfelt post. With mother’s day, a lot of women have mixed feelings. author celeste ng tweeted about mothers, motherhood being frought with issues. I remember being diagnosed with PCOS at age 40 (after 7 years of all sorts of dr. visits and eliminating basically every other disease on the planet, taking various medications and trying all sorts of natural herbs). The good news is knowing to some degree what you are dealing with. the basic truth still exists that some women get pregnant easier than others. It does add stress that you are going to be one that does not have an easy path to pregnancy. You already have the insight to understand that it may take you longer to get pregnant and you need to consider that with respect to your business endeavors, lifestyle and timing. All of this while watching the biological clock. yeah, there’s some stress!!! and there is no ‘perfect’ time to have kids. On the positive side, I managed to get pregnant the first month I tried taking clomid (yes, I felt like a lab rat) at age 32. I have a wonderful daughter. So, before jumping to ivf, consider exploring the less invasive medical options (clomid essentially made me ovulate) or even freezing eggs and surrogacy. I eventually had my uterus removed (ovaries intact) because trying to keep a regular cycle and not worry about months of ‘no cycle’ creating cancer cells was too much work and worry. I am now 56 & hope someday in the future to be a grandmother. If you ever want to chat, please feel free to contact me. I have no idea why my upper case is not working – sorry. Best wishes & hugs to you!
Hi Amy! Without going into too many personal medical details, that’s kind of the process we’re on. Going from least invasive to most invasive. We’re still pretty low on the invasive scale, so I hope to not ever reach IVF, but I’m prepared if we do.
It’s funny how timing rules our lives eh?
Sending love. I love the work you do and so wish I could do some of the same! I’m right down the road if you ever need someone !
Thank you Jessica <3 I appreciate the offer 😉
Thanks for sharing, I can relate. When my now fiancé decicided we wanted to start a family we were frustrated that we didn’t get pregnant right away. I have always had irregular periods so it made things very difficult. I went to my doctor to try and get a diagnosis and he said everything came back normal. I didn’t believe him but you want to be able to trust your doctor. We tried on and off for over 2 years with no success. Then fall 2016 we decided we were really going to try and get pregnant. Then spring 2017 my fiancé started his military career and everything was put on hold. He came home over the summer before he started his trade training and found out we were pregnant over summer block leave.
I know this isn’t what you want to hear but after my experience I really believe this: it will happen when your not trying. We didn’t officially decide we weren’t trying last summer when he came home and we had almost given up and didn’t have it on our mind because of him being away, but that’s when it happened. It wasn’t the best time either. He was still going to be away for training and he is still away and I’m home alone with a 1 month old still uncertain of our future with the military.
Hang in there, I know it’s hard to see others starting a family but it will happen for you one day too.
#irregularperiods RIGHT HERE.
It’s awful how timings never really seem to fully work-out, but I a lot of this stuff will only make us stronger. That being said, I’m ready for some easy sailing for a bit. I think you and I both deserve it.
Sorry to read of your struggle. Love your honesty, and realness here. Thinking of you.
Thanks friend <3
So sorry to hear about your experience. nobody should have to go through that alone, and as a military partner i empathize with the feelings of loneliness and not having the friends and family you need around you. we’re only on our first posting and i feel you so deeply on health care as we’re in quebec and the first time i had to make an appointment for a walk in clinic (also on that gp wait list!) , i almost lost my mind. Your honesty in this post has definitely made me feel less alone in the frustrations I feel as the civilian partner in our relationship, it’s a full time job in and of itself. Sending you the most positive vibes as you continue your journey, you are a rock star!
Oh man, good luck in QC. I hated the walk-in system and no one ever took me seriously. It was the worst. I hope things change while you’re there, but get ready for a frustrating few years.
And thank YOU for taking the time to reply and let me know that the post has touched you. It’s not always easy to hit publish on these things, so I’m glad it’s had such a positive impact on the dialogue.
Totally human to feel jealous when others get pregnant, given what you’re going through! Hang in there my friend! As to the forming friendships end of things, I feel like the hard part is finding people who accept you just as you are, who don’t seem to judge you, you know what I mean? Those are the people to hang onto.
Thank you for sharing your story. While I can’t entirely relate, I can’t believe how poor the healthcare system is within the military (let alone Canada), my sister has a friend who is a military spouse with a pretty serious depression issue. The local doctor didn’t take her seriously and now she drives quite a distance to another doctor who does take her seriously. While I do have my own health issue ( subclinical hypothyroidism, which will become full blown hypothyroidism), I can attest to the fact that some doctor’s just don’t take you seriously and definitely not until after they see test results. Keep your head up, girl. We’re all rooting for you.