This morning I sat down at my computer to write and work through a funk from this past week. I started writing as a way to get some stuff off my chest; about the times that it really sucks to be a military spouse. Half way down my list I realized why I’m still here and still try do it all. Read all the way through to the end of the list, trust me. P.s add yours in the comments.
- When you’re left to shovel the driveway during those ridiculous winter snow storms because DH is conveniently away (wherever he may be)
- When you’re the one picking up all the thawing dog turds in the spring because DH is away on EX, like last year and the year before that.
- When you have to go to family events, holiday events, high school and university reunions, and parties alone because DH is away, or too tired to go after returning from wherever he was.
- When you’re trying to do your taxes early (for once) – before DH leaves again – but you can’t because you’re still waiting on forms from all the places you’ve worked and/or lived in the past fiscal year.
- When he’s gone and you’re working crazy hours and literally nothing gets done around the house because the cat doesn’t know how to dust and the dog sure as f*ck doesn’t do dishes.
- When you’re left to move your household across the country while DH is on course and “un-reachable” by cellphone.
- When you get moved to god knows where and you can’t do a thing about it for the next couple of years.
- When you’re pregnant, give birth and/or raise a child on your own for a while.
- When your friends move away just as you start to rely on them for sister-wife moments while the SOs are away.
- When you don’t have soul sisters at your current posting. The crushing loneliness of a bottle of wine for 1 is too much sometimes.
- When you wake up on a Saturday morning and want to spend the day en couple, and then remember DH isn’t there.
- When you cry at the sound of bagpipes, no matter the circumstances.
- When you have to attend the funeral of a friend and fallen brother…again.
- When you have to face yet another emergency on your own and somehow come out on top, stronger for the journey and bullsh*t. Yea that’s right, you survived the dog’s exploding diarrhea of 2013, the flooded basement of 2014, and the tornado in 2015.
- When you realize that you wouldn’t want any other life if DH wasn’t part of it, no matter how much it sucks sometimes, because no matter what, you’ve got a partner in it with you.
“When he finally gets to call and you can’t hear him because of a bad connection.” – From The Coast Couple
“When people ask you were your spouse is but you have no idea” – From JoMyGosh
“When something major happens in a friend’s life and you don’t live close enough to do anything about it” – Kathy
“Being on IR and living apart for over two years” – Ginne
Live boldly in the face of all the bulls*t ladies, it’ll help you get through it. And remember, ain’t no life like the military spouse life.
When you have to leave the BEST beautician ever; the one that took half your tour to find in the first place! It’s not easy finding someone that understands that big, natural, curly hair on top of my head.
Oh, can you tell that I’m currently sitting and waiting at a salon???!!!! Ughhhhhhh….
HAHAHA! What are you going to get done while at the Salon?
I feel you. It’s the same with a waxer. You don’t want to let just anyone in on the secret of your body hair, but when you do, and they’re masters at taming your eyebrows and bikini line, it is truly a crying shame to leave them.
Yes.
Hi Ariel!!
Maybe I’m going to play “devils advocate” here, and they are yet just my OPINIONS, but I disagree. This “lifestyle” sucks only by what we make of it, just as any other could. I do value your opinion you have left here, and I’m sure others feel the same as you, but I’m going to share mine as to why I don’t believe any reason this “life” should suck.
1. Shovelling the driveway…. What did you do before you had your spouse? There are multiple companies available for plowing or shovelling. If DH is away on deployment you also have a “sponsor”. This person is your go to for those moments when you need someone. Needless to say, if you don’t have a sponsor because your DH is only away on EX or Course, we are a community. Chances are, someone in your local spouses group will step up to the plate (or their spouse will) to assist you in this. In our 3 postings, asking for help has never been an issue. I have recently experienced this when “digging” out two vehicles buried in snow. New to our posting, hubby deployed, have arthritis, and my sponsor unavailable; I too recently experienced a such “mishap” and quickly found people I didn’t even know coming to help me.
2. Doggy doodoo…. Part of having fur babies. Single or having a spouse, it would have to be done. I find if I keep after my 2 large dogs, and 1 small dog (watching for winter while a friend is deployed and my spouse is deployed), the poop isn’t to bad come spring and hey if it is, well I choose to also have animals knowing he’d be away at times. Come spring, out comes the rake, the garbage bags, and the shovel. Great work out too!
3. Events and Holidays alone….. again, we love him so we embrace what we must. These things are what makes us stronger, in the positive, it doesn’t suck because it makes us who we are. I’m proud to say I’m alone because my spouse is serving. Nurses, Dr’s, EMT’s, Police etc, all of these types of spouses experience the same and it makes the times we do spend together that much more worthy.
4. Taxes….. it is what it is. If you spouse is deployed or going to be away for a period of time, they can get your a POA from the Padre. This will allow you full access to accordingly do what you need to however you can file taxes when they return as in a deployment. You are given a grace period.
5. Working crazy hours and he’s away….. If you’re house is a mess, and someone sees it that way, chances are as a spouse or serving member, they get it. Even when my spouse is home, and I work crazy hours, the house still never seems to “get clean” on it’s own. Trust me…I have OCD (as my friends seem to think) for a clean house. I own a swifter vac and a swifter duster. Every morning for 5 min I run the vac quickly to maintain the amounts of hair (2 long hair dogs) and the duster quickly every few days. Maintaining this means less work when the house is bad. Ok Ok, so laundry sits clean sometimes to be put away for a few days, but that’s my own fault for not giving myself 10 min to do it. Time management. I’m home more hours then I am at work so it’s only a matter of “finding” the time. Again, when you don’t have a spouse, what did you do?
6. Moving your house hold alone….. Let’s face it, it’s not like we move ALL the time. Most times it’s every so many years and 9/10 our spouses aren’t tasked out for these moves. We generally know our posting dates and that even has (most times) a grace period. Our spouse knows that, and they were taught how to write a memo to have that date changed to accommodate. Should this NOT be negotiated, no worries, we are lucky enough that the military moves us. We don’t have to over stress with packing a whole entire house, or loading a truck on our own, or to unpack all alone. I find the military does their best to assist us with our moves. YES, if you are alone, they drive can be long, it can be lonely, there are things we have to remember, but even with our spouse present we still have to do some of these. AND yes, selling a house can be stressful, and we may have to stay behind for that sale, BUT with strength and courage we get through it. It was our choice to buy and we knew the stress that could possibly come along with it when we are posted again.
7. Moving to “god knows where” and “doing nothing about it”…… HAHAHAHA, we JUST experienced this, but DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. You knew this could be a possibility. You make of a posting what you want to make of it. Think of it as a great new experience, a chance for you to explore new things and meet new people. Where else could you be a part of a great lifestyle where you don’t pay to move across country or if you’re lucky enough to experience it, out of country. There are resources available to us through the MFRC, if you don’t get involved then it’s your decision to be doing nothing about it. Yes, leaving family and friends SUCKS, but our spouse is our family too.
8. Pregnant or raising a child alone….. And what about all the single mom’s out there, or even dads out there, widows, widowers etc. They do it alone too. Use it to your advantage to grow you as a person. If you need help, resources are there, get involved and know where to find them. If you don’t know, ask!
9. Your friends move away just as you rely on them…. I only have little to say here. FaceTime or Skype. Isn’t the internet so useful? Since being in our new location, I still can rely on my friends that are away as they can me. At least every few days one of them is calling to “chat” for hours. That is why we built those friendships. Just because we are all in a different location doesn’t mean we still can’t rely on them to an extent. No we can’t for “shovelling” etc. but thats why we connect and meet new friends. Let’s face it, friendships build fast in our community, because we all “know” what it’s like.
10. No “soul sisters” at new location… back to basics, resources are there and friendships don’t take long. Someone else is likely new too and longing for that bottle of wine and to meet someone new. Check with your local spouses page and ask. Asking never hurt anyone, worst you get is “no’s”. So be it if you do, I’ve had lots of soul sister dates with friends over FaceTime and Skype where we had our wine. They might not have physically been in the room, but it sure felt like they were.
11. Saturday mornings alone….. Again, it makes the time we do get with our spouse that much more meaningful. I might miss that right now since I’ve also spent almost the last year alone, but hey, I did it single.
12. Crying at bagpipes….. I don’t think this makes the lifestyle suck at all. The sounds keeps me reminded of why I love my spouse and what they do and why I’m so proud to be a part of the life with him. It’s a gentle reminder of the past, present, and future.
13. Funerals of the fallen…. OK SO I DO AGREE. This is a part of it that SUCKS, and sucks BAD!!! If anyone hasn’t experienced this yet, you won’t understand until you have to, and I sincerely hope you NEVER have to know what it’s like.
14. Exactly WHY this life DOESN’T SUCK…. because you came out stronger.
15. Not wanting any other life….. that’s right!!! In 14 and 15 you clearly state why this life DOESN’T SUCK. So why say “why being a military spouse sucks”? It doesn’t suck, it makes us who we are and why we are a community. This is why us, as spouses, should stick together. One day you’ll need someone to rely on and someone who’s been in your shoes will understand and let you rely on them. Pay it forward, when you’ve already experienced the “worst” help someone else and show them why IT’S THE BEST!!!!
DON’T be offended, I just strongly believe this life doesn’t suck but I appreciate you opinion and believe you have a great read here, even for those like me who may disagree. All is all, we make of this life what we choose too. I don’t think being a Military Spouse “sucks” at any given point, With a positive attitude towards all of it’s adventures, anyone can over come the “sucky” part. We are what we make of it.
Hello unknown person!
First of all, thank you for taking the time to comment. I appreciate and read all the comments I get.
Second of all, I understand you wanting to play devil’s advocate but please don’t mistake this post for an all-out bitch session. I’m not quite sure you understood the point of the post, especially if you read all the way to the end of the list (which you did). The point is not about showing why the lifestyle sucks, rather showing that by choosing this lifestyle (no one made us marry our partners) and because we survive the “hardships,” we are stronger for it.
There are many amazing aspects about living the military lifestyle and I hope you’ll read through the rest of my blog to see how often I talk about them for one and all to read.
I definitely chose this lifestyle and everything that comes with it. I don’t think anyone would accuse me of not, so please don’t misread what I’ve written – an ode to the strength of military spouses when facing the sometimes mundane aspects of “going it alone.”
Where my frustration came from this morning, was waking up to a messy house with a foot of snow to shovel and a week of chores to do after working a 65hr work week.
We all have moments where we want to throw up our hands and complain, and this morning was one of them. This post was about showing people that my life is not perfect and that I too, the woman with the snazzy housing, have shitty days. And more importantly, you don’t get to judge me for having a shitty day.
My intent however, was that as you read through the list, you would see the amazing parts of the lifestyle and how it’s not that bad in the end. I used inverse causality to show how that you get to: form strong friendships and tribes with women and men you live the lifestyle with; overcome “emergencies” and laugh about them years later; grow as a person and gain independence as you accomplish these tasks on your own (in case you’re not already a strong independent woman like myself) and go through life with a partner who’s in it with you (if you’re lucky).
Capping the post off with “and you are stronger for it” is meant to be a rallying cry, not a cry of defeat – which is how you seem to have taken it.
Without knowing the specifics of my situation how do you know that I would have a dog if it wasn’t for my husband? or live in a house that needs shovelling (as opposed to an apartment in a city where it doesn’t snow as much)? or live far away from my friends and family? or move to an isolated location where the closest city is 8hrs away by car? or have to burry my friends at a young age? or work 3 jobs to make up for the fact that I cannot work in my field of study? Or chose not to have a children on my own?
Your comments although well meaning, come off as self-congratulatory, which isn’t the point of this post.
I have moved our house on my own twice now, and am stronger for it.
I have survived poop explosions from my dog while travelling cross country, and am stronger for it.
I have survived the crushing loneliness of new postings and made friends the good ol’ way, and am stronger for it.
I have POA and have done taxes on my own for years now, and am stronger for it.
I routinely attend events without DH, and haven’t spent a birthday with him in ages, and am stronger for it.
I have a cleaning lady to help with mess when he’s gone, and it’s okay to admit it.
I live in a place where no matter how well I speak the language, I will always be an outsider to the locals, and am stronger for it.
I’m currently serving as primary care for my husband after his third surgery this year, and am stronger for it.
Once again, thank you for the discussion! Don’t be afraid to reply.
*Unfortunately in the Canadian military there is no “sponsor system” so I’m unsure what you’re referring to. We do however have amazing resources and communities, which I participate in helping build and run.
wow you COMPLETELY missed the point. This post was not an opportunity for you to congratulate yourself on how you think about all these situations in a better way – people are allowed to vent and those feelings of frustration and annoyance are totally valid! Ariel’s message here is that sometimes you can’t remember all the great things about your life until you work your way through all the bullshit of a bad day. attitudes like this that deny being able to feel frustrated or deny being able to share stress and instead always put on a happy face are really damaging in the long run. Next time? Just be supportive!
Thank you Haley <3
LOVE THIS AND TOTALLY AGREE. I DONT HAVE MANY MILITARY SPOUSE FRIENDS ONLY BEEN MARRIED AND TOGETHER 6 YEARS AND HAVEN’T LIVED ON BASE YET SO POSTS LIKE THIS HELP ME WITH HOW I’VE FELT DURING THESE SITUATIONS! ESPECIALLY ‘When you’re left to shovel the driveway during those ridiculous winter snow storms because DH is conveniently away (wherever he may be)’ THIS WINTER WAS A B**CH WHERE I LIVE AND I SWEAR MY HUBBY WOULD LEAVE LITERALLY A DAY OR TWO BEFORE EACH STORM AND COME BACK AFTER THE SNOW WAS BASICALLY GONE EACH TIME LOL SURE I COULD HAVE MAYBE PAYED SOMEONE TO SHOVEL IT BUT I WANTED TO PROVE TO MYSELF I COULD STILL DO THESE THINGS MYSELF, BUT OF COURSE EVERYTHING IS BETTER AND EASIER WHEN HUBBY IS AROUND BECAUSE WE’RE A TEAM.
I THINK ONLY MILITARY SPOUSES UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH WE NEED SUPPORT AND UNDERSTANDING FOR OUR LIFESTYLE BY OTHER MILITARY SPOUSES ONLY WE TRULY UNDERSTAND THIS LIFE WE LEAD. I WOULD NEVER IN A Million years change a thing!! Love my hubby and our life , the good and the bad!
I think you hit the nail on the head here “But of course everything is better and easier when hubby is around because we’re a team.”
This was the first winter that DH was around (he was on a mother of a course) and therefore the first winter he had to help shovel, needless to say we will be buying a snowblower finally.
Ain’t no life like the spouse life eh?!
I loved this post because although my husband isn’t in the military, he works long hours and is often gone, and I totally relate to so much of it! Plus we moved every few years growing up so I hear you on the crazy places and lack of friends close by.
Thanks for reminding me when I bitch about my husband not being around again, that I am stronger for all the things I do because I have to and because I love him, our family and our life. Preach on sister-you made me laugh and nod and fist-pump all in one post!
This comment totally made my way when I read it. That was exactly what I was going for.
And as time goes on, I’m actually able to laugh about the sh*t I’ve endure since starting this life. I hope you can too!
XO
Or when the military decides to change your husband’s overseas orders from ‘accompanied’ to ‘UNaccompanied’ just weeks before you’re set to leave…yup…that’s been fun.
Yea, that would be a right kick in the pants. You’ve shown great strength in dealing with it, so take comfort in that fact that you are not the same person you where when he left! XO
When you wake up to the spot in bed next to you still empty.
When you’re trying to plan a move by email.
When all of your important life decisions are made by email.
When he finally gets to call and you can’t hear him because of a bad connection.
YES – the all important emails and bad phone connections. Story of our lives eh?