I’m starting to find the words to talk about my youngest brother Emmanuel. As many of you know, he died in early August at the age of 23. He died in his sleep, peacefully, and in bed. He is missed every day and there isn’t a sunset I don’t think of him and our all too short time together on earth. We’re not religious or even very spiritual, but after all the death in my life the past few years I’ve gotta think they’re all with me when I need them the most.
From the day Eman was born, he and I have been like water and oil. With him gone I feel lopsided and off-balance. It’s as if the counterweight to my existence has gone. I’m left stumbling and trying to find my footing. Out of the family, he was the other blond one and our personalities and temperaments framed my middle brother Anton perfectly.
I regret nothing more than the state of our relationship when he died.
Over the past few years he and I had been mostly at odds. Over anything and nothing. I was hard on him, harder than I would have been on just a friend, and it got in the way our of relationship. He also wasn’t the easiest to get along with, and he pushed people away.
I wanted him to succeed in life and make his own way. I never thought our relationship would be one of opposites or opposition, but that’s just where it was. It wasn’t going to last forever though.
Eman was a “3rd act” kind guy, and he was gonna pull through and wow us all one day soon. I hoped that he would find his own peace and direction, and that it would make him happy and bring balance to our dynamic.
When I looked to the future I envisioned him as the best “funny uncle”, the one who would teach them how to be effortlessly cool, take them to buy booze for the first time, and maybe counsel them on issues that they wouldn’t discuss with Dan and I. Eman was never not in my future, and our relationship was going to be amazing.
The geographic distance between myself and the rest of my family is not intentional, rather a part of my life as a military spouse. As you may have read in my summer road trip post // here // and // here //, we live like 16 hours (by car) away from our families. It’s really hard to be a part of daily life or family life in any meaningful way when you miss most events, and are home for a flurry of activity a few times a year.
I make up for that by calling my family whenever I’m in the car. I call my brother on his way home from work, I call my parents almost every other day, and Eman – always the nocturnal creature – was never available when I was driving, so over the years I learned to just text him because he would rarely answer my calls.
I regret that I did not try to call him more. We texted, and I’m thankful for that written record of our relationship, but its not the same as a good phone call and laughing at whatever is going on. Our last text exchange was about our cats (a favourite topic of conversation for us because Eman was an animal lover an never met a kitty cat he didn’t love) and I know it was 100% genuine.
In the days after his death we all searched for clues as to what his personal life was like. He was a private person, and it was to our great joy and surprise that we found and gained access to all his online accounts. Turns- out my brother was quite the internet troll and spent years in sneaker-head forums talking about the new designer running shoes. Reading his comments is a window onto a person I barely knew, and I look forward to discovering what he was like as a young adult.
Most of my memories of him are between birth and the age of 17, at which point I left Toronto for Kingston. I will cherish those years until the day I die, and look back fondly on each memory as I flip through family photo albums.
This weekend we’re gathering in Toronto for his celebration of life, and it’s going to be hard. Friends, family and loved ones will congregate to remember all the good times, share memories, tell stories, and I hope to hear about some funny happenings or testaments to his character, and maybe even gleam more about who he was.
I miss my brother every day, and if I could spend an hour with anyone on earth dead or alive, it would be Eman. Miss you bro <3
this post is beautiful, ariel, and heart breaking. i don’t have any words for you, and am not super religious either, but like you, i believe the people we lose are with us. i am most certain that eman knows these feelings you have about your relationship, and that one day you’ll meet again and it will be what it should have been. thinking of you and your family this weekend. much love to you. XOXO
As ever, my daughter, your words are true as is your heart.
<3
I’m hoping for that reunion! In the meantime, he’s having a blast with my gran and my friend Mark. And thank you for all the love and support you’ve shown me through this process.
❤️????
<3
❤️ Beautifully written. Writing and sharing is good for the soul. Sending you and your family love. Rip eman.
oh is it ever! I can parse through my thoughts and emotions in written form <3
Ariel, that was beautifully said – I wish I could give you a hug in person. I’ve been reminded quite recently about the fragility of life and how quickly it can get away from us – sending you a ton of love xoxo
I hope you take those reminders and call, visit, email the ones you love. Time is too precious!
My heart goes out to you, Ariel. Thanks for sharing part of your heart with all of us. I’ll be thinking of you and your family this weekend as you celebrate Eman’s life. I know he’ll be watching over all of you.
Thank you so much Rachael <3 It means a lot to know that bearing my heart has done good, and hopefully it pushes people to reconnect.
Ariel my heart still breaks for you. Thank you for such a beautifully written, honest piece. I think we all have relationships that aren’t we’re we’d like them to be. We can all do with that reminder to stay in touch more and to make more time (I live halfway across the country from family too). At heart I’m sure your brother knew the depths of your love. Sending love and hugs. ❤️
Exactly – no point disguising it either. It’s normal for people to have rough stages in their relationship, and I knew that ours would eventually pass. I just thought we’d have some time once it did. Thank you for the love and support <3
It is obvious how much you loved your brother. i can’t imagine how difficult it has been for your family and I know this weekend will be so tough. Sending hugs your way. Michelle ????
I justhope he knew how much I loved him. Thank you for the hugs !
I’m so sorry for this enormous loss. having lost many as well, I truly believe they are with you. I hope his celebration of life brings happy memories! Xo
Loss is unavoidable, but it never makes it easier. Thank you for taking the time to leave a word.
What a beautiful tribute. I am so sorry for your loss.
Thank you Cindy <3
Beautiful post my dear. since I’ve walked in these shoes myself, I know how difficult it is to put something like this out there. Take each day minute by minute. your brother is with you…just look for the signs. much love and strength to you and your family.
thank you friend <3 It's amazing how much of an impact this kind of things has on us My brother and I will forever feel the gap, as I'm sure you do <3 So far there have been lots of rainbows, so I'm going with that!
Sisters and brothers have such a unique relationship. Filled with the full range of emotion. Always with the understanding underneath it all that you have each other’s back. he knew you had his back. I’m so sorry for your loss. Sending love your way. Xo.
They sure do. I felt it in my bones on the day he died and if I had tried to explain it to anyone at the time I would have sounded crazy. I knew he had mine, I just hope he knew the reverse was true as well <3
This is a beautiful and touching tribute, Ariel. ❤️
<3
Thank you for sharing Ariel. My heart aches for your loss. Keeping you and your family in my thoughts x
Much love
Thank you Ali <3
Thank you for sharing such beautiful words. I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my father-in-law 10 years ago and I find comfort in thinking that he watches over us. Eman knew that you loved him. Sending you so much love. xoxo
Same – some comfort in knowing they’re with you when you need it most <3
Im sure that was hard to write. Wish I could write equally as well in return. Lots of good thoughts and love sent to you and your family as you go through this loss together! Xo
It was actually easier than you’d think. I had a few rounds to edit and then I felt it was done. Sometimes the words just flow! I’ve got a giant net and am catching all those thoughts and all that love.
Oh my friend! My heart breaks for you and your family! Your brother loved you and he knew you loved him!
This summer has been a very hard summer for the both of us; we’ve both lost very important people in our lives; I’m always here for you, just a text or a phone call away! Love to you and your family ❤????
I know you are, and that’s what matters the most! Loss is such a painful part of life and I wish I could keep it at bay. Sometimes it’s inevitable (like with grandparents) and sometimes it goes against everything you feel is natural. All we can do is roll with the punches. Love ya.
I can only imagine the emotion that went into writing this post ariel, and I’m so sorry that you have experienced such a tragic loss. It’s a beautiful testament though, on the realness of relationships with those we have lost. I too have lost some very close family members recently, and one thing I have noticed is everyone leaving out the truth of the relationships they had with these loved ones while living, and instead only speaking of the good times. I think what’s beautiful about acknowledging the good and bad in the relationships is that we are truly remembering the people we have lost, not just some immortal ideal of them. To show that no matter how good or bad things were during their lifetime, they were still able to impact our lives in a positive way by just being themselves. one thing that is blindingly apparent in this post is your love for your brother. I am sure that despite the distance and your differences, he knew that love was the foundation of everything you did and said to him. My prayers are with you and your family.
If you’ve lost people recently I’m sure you can. It wouldn’t have felt right to be anything but truthful, and I wanted to be able to look back on the words and feel they rang true. For as many years as we had a bad relationship, we had many more that were amazing, and it’s those that I’m going to chose to remember. I can only hope he passed knowing how much we all loved him.
How very courageous of you to open up. Thank you. Laugh, cry, enjoy his celebration. I’m sure he knew you loved him, and you will do his memory right. Blessings to you and your family.
Oh my goodness! My reply shows up as all in lower case, but once posted was all in CAPS LOCK! I had no idea! Sorry about that Ariel, I am not screaming at you! xoxox
don’t worry! I actually just edited it to be in Lower case 😉
Thank Deloris <3
Whew. This was hard to read. I’m going to pick up the phone and call my brother tonight. so truly sorry for your loss. i really am. <3 <3 <3
I hope that the celebration of your brother’s life gave you some peace and allowed you to hear more stories about him and who he was as a person to others. No human relationship is perfect, and the relationships between brother and sister are probably some of the hardest. I see it with my own two. The love is always there though. You have given us a great reminder of how we need to cherish our loved ones. xo
Just reading this now…..I know…late! How very touching, beautifully written and expressed Ariel. Rest assured, Eman is not gone by very alive in your heart and looking down on you always, surrounding you with his love and protection. God bless.
Il était bien spécial ton cher frère! Quel beau témoignage…je pense à votre famille très fort, mon coeur est avec vous.
Diane de G